Seeing Red on Valentine's Day?

We've all seen the ads, one dozen roses for $19.95. Chocolates, teddy bears, pajama sets and more! Now my wife would gladly receive these gifts and appreciate the sentimentality and display of love for her. And I would certainly appreciate the hugs and kisses I get in return. However, gifts such as these are only external expressions of what is hopefully genuine and lasting love felt for a spouse. Gentlemen, just to let you in on a little secret, your spouse or significant other can spot genuine love from a mile away. She can also spot inconsistencies in a story or series of stories from her man. It is very difficult to keep up appearances if the genuine feelings toward her have cooled off. Sometimes, if left untreated, she will see a different kind of red on Valentine's Day that may become passionate, but not in the way her husband would like.

So what's to be done about a marriage when the romance has cooled or if it never gets started? Almost all marriages go through a honeymoon phase. This period of time could be anywhere from a few months to the resumption of pre-marriage arguments on the honeymoon night! Consistent fighting between the couple that happens during the engagement time should be a red flag warning to the couple that there are major problems between the two that need outside assistance to resolve. The actual wedding ceremony, however beautiful, will not be enough of an emotional commitment to counter-balance deep problems one or both partners may bring to the marriage. This is not to suggest that the marriage vows are meaningless or without power. Such vows are a very powerful commitment to the partner and, for many, to God. However, it is common for future marriage partners to be on their best behavior with their future spouse. Clothes get picked up, kitchens are kept clean, laundry is done, are you hearing me gentlemen? And ladies, women too are mostly inclined to put their best foot forward prior to their wedding day. Both men and women may take better care of themselves, exercise, or show a higher level of concern and affection prior to the wedding day. Many a spouse has found themselves asking, what happened to the man or woman I married? One year into the marriage, most secrets have been revealed. One spouse finds themselves facing the reality of their spouse, which will likely lead to unhappiness and confusion. Without help the reality of this “problem” spouse will begin to wear down the spouse who feels deceived. At worst, the seeds of a future divorce will have been planted, to be nurtured by denial, isolation, lack of communication, and potential aggression. The commitments expressed on the blissful wedding day will be challenged. Hopefully the commitments will hold, often they do not.

Can a marriage be salvaged that was begun on a foundation of deception? Yes! But a lot of very hard work is involved to make that happen. It's not just that the offending spouse has a lot of explaining to do. It is also about what deficiencies were present in the offended spouse where she or he did not see it coming. True, some people are very good liars. Politicians gain a lot of influence by subtly twisting the truth to an unsuspecting public. It has been said that love is blind. Yes, that can be true. But love does not have include a lack of curiosity about a potential marriage partner. Many couples take advantage of online match-making services. These types of services can be simple hook-up sites, an online version of the local bar. Or, some sites offer evaluation methods that help potential partners learn about dimensions of personality functioning in a person that can offer a peek into the internal psychological world of a potential life-mate. What happens in the internal psychological world of people is what eventually gets expressed as maladaptive behaviors toward a spouse or others. If, during courtship, a person is faking it that they are sociable or outgoing when in reality they would rather be alone or do things only with their partner, this reality could come as a difficult surprise when it is realized six months into the marriage. Taking a close look at what a potential partner does with their time or with whom they hang out with can provide clues to the inner world of this person.

A major area for evaluation of a future partner includes attempting to determine the level of self-worth, or ego strength, in the partner. People with a healthy ego strength are people who are appropriately confident but never take themselves too seriously. They are not conceited and they can take it and appropriately respond when a stranger does them wrong. If someone close to them does them wrong, they have enough depth in their character to ask about what they did wrong, rather that simply fire back at the person who did them wrong. They are in-touch with their inner feelings and are not overwhelmed by those feelings. They are also able to provide genuine support to their partner because they are strong enough within themselves to give of themselves. Persons with lesser ego strength are likely inter-personally needy. They may fawn over their partner or shower them with gifts but this is only an outward expression of their neediness. Such fawning has at its heart the strong need for returned fawning by the other. True love gives without expectation of return. True love involves a depth of character that can overlook faults and do the things required to help the other succeed, regardless of whether the love is returned. Spiritual expressions refers to this form of love as agape love.

So how does a couple climb back from the abyss? First, get help. Find a quality couples' therapist or a clergy member who has had adequate training in marriage counseling. It is important that both partners are comfortable with the therapist because, often, there are ancient secrets in the marriage that must be brought into the light. It is okay to fire a therapist if either spouse becomes overly uncomfortable with the therapy process. For counseling to work, trust must be established with the therapist by both partners because the life of the marriage will become very rough before the healing in the marriage arrives. It will arrive, if both partners take the long view and are able to remember the good things about their mate that made the marriage happen in the first place. Remember, there are psychological reasons why a partner found it necessary to hide their dirty laundry from their spouse prior to the marriage. Except in very extreme circumstances it is unlikely that the offending partner deliberately chose to deceive. It is more likely that this partner carried too much psychological baggage that they were unable to or did not know how to clean up prior to the marriage. The love between the couple was real, but so was the baggage. Baggage can be cleaned up, it both partner are committed to honesty, openness, and long suffering in the face of revealed psychological pain. Not only with the offended spouse have to work through her or his pain but the offending spouse will have to be willing to uncover the baggage she or he brought into the marriage. The cleaning process can take some time. A helpful therapist who is committed to the goals of the couple, including saving the marriage, will be able to work through these difficulties at the right pacing and with the necessary support. 

Some basic areas for saving or rebuilding a marriage include developing internal awareness of a person's psychological structure and if that person's ego strength is sufficient to the tasks of making a healthy marriage work. If it is low, that does not mean the marriage should end. Developing ego strength is a core function of quality psychotherapy. A second major area for marriage counseling involves creating or improving interpersonal communications skills. A poor listener or a poor communicator can impede the building of a successful marriage. Also, learning ways to validate the other person's person-hood goes a long way to the functioning of a healthy marriage. Many people have found it useful to learn how their partner expresses love and the ways that their partner wants to receive love. Quality love between a couple is much more than just sex. Other couples have also found it beneficial to review and document their purposes for the marriage; a mission statement for the marriage or similar goals. If the marriage is not 50-50, in most or all areas, such an imbalance could be the beginning of a downward spiral. People like to be heard, they like to feel wanted and needed. Making a healthy marriage work is less about big things in life than about the little things, done for the other out of agape love, that many times no one but the loved spouse will know about.

Dr. Love