Managing emotions and emotional memories

When was the last time you were not able to “manage” your emotions. Yesterday? Last week? A few minutes ago? Managing our emotions is more difficult than one might expect. Our brain has many complex and wonderful structures that allow us to function and to analyze or think through the emotional realities we face everyday. One of the primary groups of brain structures that influences our emotions is the limbic system. The limbic system is a set of individual brain structures including, but not limited to, the hippocampus, the amygdala, dentate gyrus, and relatedly the nucleus accumbens, and the orbitofrontal cortex. Some of these brain structures are directly related to emotional processing such as the amygdala, which helps to let other parts of the brain know of significant stimuli related to reward or fear, or other important considerations such as how to relate to a potential mate. Another important brain structure is the nucleus accumbens, which is often referred to as the pleasure center of the brain. The brain structures in the limbic system and related structures are highly connected to the prefrontal cortex, which is a brain area most associated with problem solving and executive functioning. A map of the brain would locate the limbic system in the center of the brain, roughly between the ears whereas the profrontal cortex is just behind the forehead. The specific functioning of the parts of the limbic system continues to be the subject of significant research. However, for the purposes of this blog, what is highly important is that the functioning of the limbic system is not the functioning of the prefrontal cortex. In simpler terms, our emotions function differently from or problem solving cognitive functioning. Neither brain area is superior to the other, we need both. Without our emotional processing we would be little more that robots, similar to a certain TV character from a very logical distant planet. However, with too much emotional processing it would be difficult to get anything worthwhile accomplished, even if we felt very very very good in the process.

Dr. Marsha Linehan (1993) offers a useful methodology for conceptualizing the co-processing of the emotional brain functioning of the limbic system as it works with the rational brain functioning of the prefrontal cortex to accomplish the daily activities of our lives. Dr. Linehan posits that optimal co-processing of environmental and internal stimuli involves a partnership between emotions and reason, which is considered using our “wise mind.” The use of the wise mind requires one to pay attention to what is occurring in our emotions even as we also pay attention to the rational interpretation of our environment and our role within it. On most occasions we do balanced wise mind processing as part of our normal routine in living a successful life. However, our emotions, like our rational interpretations of our world, involve memories. Memories are stored in various locations throughout the brain and we recall them mostly in a contextual manner, such as when we see someone we think we knew before and then gradually place their face and the context of our prior relationship. Then, suddenly, an onslaught of memories, both good and not-so-good, floods our consciousness bringing both rational and emotional states to our current thinking. If we have good memories of this person this renewed relationship will brighten our day and bring a happy time of reminiscence. Yet, the recollection of difficult emotional memories may throw us off our game, or worse, place us into a difficult or depressive emotional state.

So are we slaves to our emotional memories? I don't think so. When we recall a difficult time in our past we are presented with simultaneous choices. One choice is whether we should pay attention to this memory or attempt to distract our thinking with something else. Another choice is whether we have gained the emotional resources to handle this memory or do we need to seek help from a safe and trusted person to get through the episode. A third choice concerns the use of coping skills to manage the distresses that arose from the recollection of bad memories. A coping skill can be any internal psychological thinking process or external behavioral process, or combination of both, that helps the person to get back on their feet and find their “wise mind.” Many people have found breathing exercises, or topical guided imagery, or meditation practices to be very helpful coping skills. Still others have benefited from the power of music, the reading of a good book, or the access to our inner spirituality through forms of prayer. Each of these coping skills will involve the use of our rational cognitive processes interacting with our emotional cognitive processes toward the goal of balanced thinking that in turn produces balanced living. Yet, what can we do when the negative memories just keep resurfacing?

Recurrent negative memories, such as those associated with interpersonal trauma, are difficult to process. The above mentioned coping skills can be useful but in some cases the trauma was so damaging that the person's self-view was distorted as a consequence of the trauma. Many forms of trauma involve physical pain and physical damage to the body. Other forms of trauma, equally painful, are traumas of the mind, where physical damage to the body never occurred or has long since healed, at least physically. In cases where the person's self-view has become seriously distorted it is important for that person to seek help from a qualified processional who is familiar about working with a trauma survivor as they re-establish the psychological foundations that existed prior to the trauma. It is also very important for the loved ones of the trauma survivor to learn appropriate ways of helping that will benefit the person who suffered the trauma. Telling a person to just “get over it” is not helpful and often further harms the survivor. Recovery from trauma is not a quick process and working through the loss of the trauma is best accomplished in a supportive and structured treatment environment that works through the processes at a pace the survivor can tolerate.

One of the best approaches to help the wounded trauma survivor is through quality, non-judgmental, and empathetic listening. Such listening is often hard to do because the person we love is suffering and we want to do something, anything, to help them get better soon. Yet, by just being a safe person to them, a person to whom they can say anything no matter how difficult or disgusting, this will provide them with a needed outlet to process their painful emotions. We cannot “fix” the survivor, they must navigate the dark places themselves but not necessarily alone; hopefully within the company of supportive loved ones who will provide a source of consistent love and strength on which to rely. Resolving recurrent negative memories is more of a journey rather than a set of conclusions. We cannot avoid the difficult memories from our past but we can choose how we decide to respond to them. Will we be lost in our painful emotions or will we find the courage to engage our rational thinking and find our wise mind. By reaching out to others during such difficult times we improve our chances for finding our wise mind while simultaneously receiving the support from safe loved ones who help our negative emotions to feel better.

Dr. Love

M. Linehan. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. The Guilford Press, New York.

Looking forward to Spring

Are you looking forward or looking backward? As simple as this seems it is an important continuum to examine if you are interested in improving your psychological health. Each year as we struggle through the snow and cold of winter we are faced with the limitations of our frail humanity. It IS cold outside and I DON'T like to shovel snow! When my family lived in the upper mid-west we learned to accept that our social contact usually involved going to the shopping mall on some nights and to church on Sunday. In the worst of winter we would find activities to do with our children at home, not likely to brave the elements simply to go to a movie. After a few months of this difficult weather it became a little dreary. Hence, we learned to look forward to spring through multicolored lenses of practical anticipation, NO MORE SNOW, and pleasurable fantasies, won't those roses smell wonderful.

What are the roses in your life? Do you have any? Are they, metaphorically speaking, people, places, or things. Of course roses have thorns, which reminds us that living in reality sometimes brings pain. But, do we take the time to slow down and listen to the beautiful influences of life. Many people find joy in their relationships with others, seeking the best of life while working through the occasional potholes that can throw us off balance. Others I know find beauty and purpose in helping with social causes or going out of their way to meet the needs of others. These pursuits are fantastic and they enhance the overall good of the community. The wonderful thing about roses is their variety.

Have you ever wondered why God created weeds? So have I. Weeds have a way of distracting from roses. In my garden I have weeds. I did not plant them, they just showed up on their own. You gardeners out there may be chuckling a little right now. Modern science has developed many miracle cures-in-a-bottle to combat weeds. Ever notice how you have to keep buying those bottles. Science has developed these marvels that do get rid of weeds. Yet, this fix is only temporary. Weeds are as much a part of life as are roses, they just have a different purpose. Weeding is a job I don't really enjoy if the truth were to be told. I do like it when the weeding is done and the roses can again display their place of prominence in my garden. In our lives we all have weeds. The so-called miracle cures of psychology do help with our weeds but they do not fully remove them. We call this successive approximation, or more simply, gradually sneaking up on a cure to a presenting problem. As humans we learn throughout our lives. We learn to feed, ride a bike, fall in love, and make a career. At every one of these milestones weeds are present. Either an older brother or sister demands our parent's time so we can't get help learning to ride a bike or the boy down the street woos the girl we are interested in and we feel rejected. These experiences are weeds. A question is: do we allow the weed to grow roots?

A weed that has grown roots is a terrible thing. Weed roots grow very quickly, seeking the same nourishment of water that roses do. But weeds, although living, are not wanted in my garden. Do you want weeds in yours? Weeds distract us from our greater purposes in life. Because they grow so quickly they can often overwhelm us, hiding our roses from those we love. That weeds also need nourishment raises the question, why would we want to nourish that which distracts us from what we really want to do in life? Modern culture often validates those who seek to rise to the top, whatever that top may be. However, we have also seen weeds arise in these so-called stars of pop culture. Many stars have had their lives destruct in full view of a once adoring public. My guess is that they did not like having their weeds exposed for the shallowness that weeds really are. But to live in reality, we must be aware of our weeds and take measures to remove, contain, or prevent them.

I am not suggesting that we all sign up for miracle cures from psychology to keep our weeds at bay. So-called miracle cures, like weed killer, are likely to be temporary cures. Remember weeds are as natural part of life as are roses. So what can we do?

• First, seek self-awareness that you do have weeds and that they will need to be managed.
• Second, reach out for knowledge on what has worked for others to manage your particular weeds. I am not suggesting that their management techniques will work for you. On the contrary, their specific healthy practices will not work for you because you are not them. But their good practices can point you in the right direction for healthy living.
• Third, build or strengthen your positive social network, such as family, good friends, or recreational activities. You may notice that I suggested to increase positive influences in your life. If one of your weeds is substance use, or any other potentially addictive behavior, seek positive influences that help to move you away from increased risk for potentially addictive behaviors. No one really likes an addict.
• Fourth, seek assistance for managing your weeds from neutral and confidential resources such as psychotherapists, clergy, and trusted friends. When you are considering additional resources to manage your weeds, consider the skills of your potential helpers. If you have a serious weed infestation you may need more significant help.

To me, stopping to smell the roses is a way for me to look forward. The beautiful smell of roses changes my emotions in a very good way. I am able to renew my inner man, better able to again find that which is important to me; pursuits that ground me in the core of life's goodness. We all have our roses but sometimes our weeds hide our roses from others or even ourselves. Beginning to tackle our weed management can be a daunting task but not beyond reach. Start by working on the most obvious single weed in your life. Read up on it and learn about the details of this specific weed. How does it grow and how can it be managed? Yes, we all have many types of weeds in our life but they can be managed, one at a time. Just like pulling out weeds in a garden you can only pull out one at a time.

Springtime brings the challenge of encouraging and fostering new life after a season of dormancy. It brings both roses in bloom and weeds that like to grow without restraint. The beauty of spring is that we can pursue again the beautiful fragrance of new flowers, the fragrance of life. This is the stuff of human happiness, the fragrance of life. It does not come without significant difficulties but it is worth the effort to gain the pleasure of a job well done. Pursue life well and you will find beautiful fragrances and lasting joy. Look forward!

Dr. Love