Are you looking forward or looking backward? As simple as this seems it is an important continuum to examine if you are interested in improving your psychological health. Each year as we struggle through the snow and cold of winter we are faced with the limitations of our frail humanity. It IS cold outside and I DON'T like to shovel snow! When my family lived in the upper mid-west we learned to accept that our social contact usually involved going to the shopping mall on some nights and to church on Sunday. In the worst of winter we would find activities to do with our children at home, not likely to brave the elements simply to go to a movie. After a few months of this difficult weather it became a little dreary. Hence, we learned to look forward to spring through multicolored lenses of practical anticipation, NO MORE SNOW, and pleasurable fantasies, won't those roses smell wonderful.
What are the roses in your life? Do you have any? Are they, metaphorically speaking, people, places, or things. Of course roses have thorns, which reminds us that living in reality sometimes brings pain. But, do we take the time to slow down and listen to the beautiful influences of life. Many people find joy in their relationships with others, seeking the best of life while working through the occasional potholes that can throw us off balance. Others I know find beauty and purpose in helping with social causes or going out of their way to meet the needs of others. These pursuits are fantastic and they enhance the overall good of the community. The wonderful thing about roses is their variety.
Have you ever wondered why God created weeds? So have I. Weeds have a way of distracting from roses. In my garden I have weeds. I did not plant them, they just showed up on their own. You gardeners out there may be chuckling a little right now. Modern science has developed many miracle cures-in-a-bottle to combat weeds. Ever notice how you have to keep buying those bottles. Science has developed these marvels that do get rid of weeds. Yet, this fix is only temporary. Weeds are as much a part of life as are roses, they just have a different purpose. Weeding is a job I don't really enjoy if the truth were to be told. I do like it when the weeding is done and the roses can again display their place of prominence in my garden. In our lives we all have weeds. The so-called miracle cures of psychology do help with our weeds but they do not fully remove them. We call this successive approximation, or more simply, gradually sneaking up on a cure to a presenting problem. As humans we learn throughout our lives. We learn to feed, ride a bike, fall in love, and make a career. At every one of these milestones weeds are present. Either an older brother or sister demands our parent's time so we can't get help learning to ride a bike or the boy down the street woos the girl we are interested in and we feel rejected. These experiences are weeds. A question is: do we allow the weed to grow roots?
A weed that has grown roots is a terrible thing. Weed roots grow very quickly, seeking the same nourishment of water that roses do. But weeds, although living, are not wanted in my garden. Do you want weeds in yours? Weeds distract us from our greater purposes in life. Because they grow so quickly they can often overwhelm us, hiding our roses from those we love. That weeds also need nourishment raises the question, why would we want to nourish that which distracts us from what we really want to do in life? Modern culture often validates those who seek to rise to the top, whatever that top may be. However, we have also seen weeds arise in these so-called stars of pop culture. Many stars have had their lives destruct in full view of a once adoring public. My guess is that they did not like having their weeds exposed for the shallowness that weeds really are. But to live in reality, we must be aware of our weeds and take measures to remove, contain, or prevent them.
I am not suggesting that we all sign up for miracle cures from psychology to keep our weeds at bay. So-called miracle cures, like weed killer, are likely to be temporary cures. Remember weeds are as natural part of life as are roses. So what can we do?
- First, seek self-awareness that you do have weeds and that they will need to be managed.
- Second, reach out for knowledge on what has worked for others to manage your particular weeds. I am not suggesting that their management techniques will work for you. On the contrary, their specific healthy practices will not work for you because you are not them. But their good practices can point you in the right direction for healthy living.
- Third, build or strengthen your positive social network, such as family, good friends, or recreational activities. You may notice that I suggested to increase positive influences in your life. If one of your weeds is substance use, or any other potentially addictive behavior, seek positive influences that help to move you away from increased risk for potentially addictive behaviors. No one really likes an addict.
- Fourth, seek assistance for managing your weeds from neutral and confidential resources such as psychotherapists, clergy, and trusted friends. When you are considering additional resources to manage your weeds, consider the skills of your potential helpers. If you have a serious weed infestation you may need more significant help.
To me, stopping to smell the roses is a way for me to look forward. The beautiful smell of roses changes my emotions in a very good way. I am able to renew my inner man, better able to again find that which is important to me; pursuits that ground me in the core of life's goodness. We all have our roses but sometimes our weeds hide our roses from others or even ourselves. Beginning to tackle our weed management can be a daunting task but not beyond reach. Start by working on the most obvious single weed in your life. Read up on it and learn about the details of this specific weed. How does it grow and how can it be managed? Yes, we all have many types of weeds in our life but they can be managed, one at a time. Just like pulling out weeds in a garden you can only pull out one at a time.
Springtime brings the challenge of encouraging and fostering new life after a season of dormancy. It brings both roses in bloom and weeds that like to grow without restraint. The beauty of spring is that we can pursue again the beautiful fragrance of new flowers, the fragrance of life. This is the stuff of human happiness, the fragrance of life. It does not come without significant difficulties but it is worth the effort to gain the pleasure of a job well done. Pursue life well and you will find beautiful fragrances and lasting joy. Look forward!
Dr. Love
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